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The
Power Behind Pink
My
husband came home from shopping the other day with a size-five
pair of pink sneakers with sparkles. He bought them for our
16-month-old daughter.
I
cringed....
I
went running on Thanksgiving this year on a bike path that
I run on several times a week. Typically, the people I pass
are friendly enough. Most say, "Good morning." Some smile.
I return their greetings out of a desire to be polite.
But
on Thanksgiving morning, it was different. The people I saw
seemed to have a bit more enthusiasm than usual to be out
in the early morning air. Their greetings were more boisterous
and less obligatory. More people smiled, and the smiles seemed
to originate in their hearts rather than their mouths. We
were strangers acknowledging to strangers that this day was
special--one set aside by our entire country as a day to take
off work, surround ourselves with loved ones, and pay attention
to the things for which we are thankful. Even if it was just
my imagination that everyone was in a significantly better
mood on this holiday morning, my state of mind was altered
from routine politeness to cheer and friendliness simply because
this day had been singled out for gratitude....
Buttons
Galore
I've found a missing piece. Over the last ten to fifteen years,
I have been hunting and gathering parenting strategies from
the dense forest of experts' and veteran parents' philosophies
and practices. I've emerged with an armful of techniques that
seem to work, having left behind much that I found to be ineffective
or harmful.
As I teach parenting classes, I see that what parents take
from these classes works…most of the time. As I use these
same techniques with my own kids, I feel successful…most
of the time....
Changing
of the Guards:Shifting Our
Beliefs About Motherhood
Life
with young children is outrageously different from life before
children. The shock is most evident and the contrast most
stark during the first few months with our babies as we become
commanded by a fierce motivation to structure our whole lives
around another person's needs.
For many mothers, the shock gradually wears off as we settle
into our new reality the way our body settles into the sand
when we relax on the beach. We fall into a rhythm that allows
for showers most days and even a few moments of privacy in
the bathroom. We learn to recruit other caregivers of one
kind or another. Sleep deprivation either gets resolved or
becomes commonplace. And we find spaces in the week for ourselves.
But what about those of us for whom this new life never does
take on a livable, satisfying form?...
Did
I Cause This?
The other night, I was standing with my family in a crowd.
It was two-year old Jordan's birthday and she was sporting
a brand new red balloon-sword the size of me. Every time she
moved, she'd inadvertently stab someone in the back of the
knees. I squatted down and whispered gently in her ear, "Be
careful of your balloon sword Sweetie, we don't want to bonk
that girl in front of you." Her eyes darted up to see
this girl as though my mentioning her existence made her suddenly
appear.
And then she lowered her head and her eyes with a look of
pure shame....
Did You Understand Me?
The
other night, four-year-old Gabe asked me, "Did you understand
me when I was a baby?" This question bubbled up during
his routine bedtime monologue, which can cover a wide range
of random thoughts and questions that don't have room to express
themselves during his day. I was lying down next to him in
his little twin bed with only the dim soft hall light seeping
through the crack in his doorway. We could see each other's
silhouettes as we as we discussed many of life's complexities
in slow, sleepy voices...
The End of an Era
For
the first 30 years of my life, I wanted to have babies. I
wouldn't say I was desperate for most of those years. Mostly,
I just knew I'd have them. It wasn't until I found it difficult
to get pregnant that it began to feel like a desperate need
rather than something I was just looking forward to. But for
30 years, pregnancy was sort of like marriage, like retirement,
like seeing Europe for the first time-it was something I knew
I'd do but hadn't experienced yet. It was a phase of life
that was forever out in front of me: when I grow up; after
I get married; when I recover from the miscarriage; when my
body cooperates.
Then I got pregnant. And then I gave birth, got pregnant again
and gave birth one more time. With the birth of that second
baby, the pregnancy phase of my life was suddenly over...
How
Can I Leave My Baby? How Can I Leave My Job?
Most
new moms spend many maternity leave moments swimming around
in murky waters, contemplating the decision of whether or
not to return to work. Resting on one shore of the ocean of
possibilities are mothers who gladly re-join their adult colleagues
part-time or full-time. They thrive as they re-engage in their
intellectual pursuits, beaming at the framed picture of their
baby on their desk. They come and go from their babies and
their jobs with feelings of clarity, purpose and balance,
having energy and enthusiasm for both.
On the
opposite shore are mothers who said good-bye to their bosses
and co-workers on their way to the hospital, knowing they
would be happy if, and only if, they stayed with their babies
for the first few years of their lives. They feel fulfilled,
connected and useful in their roles as mothers....
How
Do I Know If I'm Doing This Right?
In
my work with mothers, I often hear some version of the question:
"What if, as a mother, I somehow damage my child?"
While this question may be mostly background noise for some,
for others it is a question saturated with both fear and deep
devotion. It seems to be a question on the minds of a whole
generation of women seeking to parent differently than the
way we were parented....
In Myself
and My Child, I Trust
Self-doubt
in parenting is natural and, sorry to say, permanent. That
is the way parents are built. Constructive self-doubt says
things like, "Better check references and visit the daycare
center one more time before you bring your baby there."
And, "Are you sure it's safe to leave your daughter alone
on the bed while you go to the bathroom?"
If we ever
found a plateau of complete comfort with our parenting skills,
our poor children would be in grave danger. Who would protect
them from unexpected crises if we did not experience that
divine level of alertness and constant questioning that comes
with our instinctual desire to do it better? Babies and children
need us to live with a bit of self-doubt, a type of vigilance
around our behavior and responsiveness that ensures their
continued well-being....
Living
the Life I Have
We
finally did it. My husband and I finally hired a babysitter
for a full Saturday so we could "do what we love to do
but can't do with kids." Just the two of us drove into
the heart of the Rockies and hiked to 12,000 feet, went out
to dinner and to the movies. It took us just under four years
to get around to this....
Mealtime
Mayhem
I
received the greatest email the other day. A mother of a thirteen-month
old girl described, in six simple sentences, one of the most
universal of parenting conundrums for moms and dads raising
toddlers across the land. At first glance, her question is
simple: how do I get my child to stop throwing food? But looking
closer, I saw seven different topics many parents grapple
with.....
Ode
to The Divine Bond
I
got a call this morning from a mom who'd taken private infant
massage lessons from me a few months back. She called to report
that though she's loved her daughter since conception, she
has finally started feeling joy about being her mother. Serena
is about six and a half months old. The first of those six
months were very long.
Serena entered this world peacefully. But she didn't draw
another peaceful breath until a few weeks ago. She had colic
and gas, was hypersensitive to stimuli, wouldn't allow her
parents to put her down or stop moving and rarely slept.
I have
two theories about Serena's parents and others with similar
babies. The first is that they are very strong people with
emotional and physical reserves running deep. The second is
that their strength is derived from a divine and primitive
bond that occurs between parents and their children. That
bond, that invisible umbilical cord between a parent's heart
and a baby's essence is the magical link that allows even
the most challenged families the chance to thrive....
Paradoxes
Revered
I stumble across more profound paradoxes in motherhood than
in any other area of my life, like:
When our children develop, change, grow and learn we often
feel as much sorrow and loss as we do deep pride and excitement.
We
have the power to affect our children but not the power to
control them. Therefore, no matter how hard we try to be good
parents, we cannot guarantee the outcome of our child's life....
Parents
as Interior Decorators
I
admit, I sometimes dream of teaching all the world how to
parent using a perfect blend of the finest parenting strategies
developed by the most brilliant experts. Then I am jolted
out of the world of fantasy by a mom telling me that time-outs
didn't work for her child or another parent who says she has
tried everything and can't get her two-year-old to sleep through
the night. Right, I remind myself, every child is different.
When it comes to the "how-to's" of parenting, I
am as impressed with effective parenting techniques as I am
humbled by every child's unique needs and personalities....
Parenting
Outside Of The Books
The
more babies I meet, the more amazed I am that parenting experts
claim to know how to care for all babies-that if we follow
their lead, we will be parenting correctly.
First there are the parents-come-first advocates who allege
that all babies would do well to eat at 3, 6, 9 and 12 o'clock
and give up night-wakings by eight weeks. Realistically, there
are only a small percentage of babies who can live like that
and still get their needs met. On the other end of the spectrum,
there are the baby-centered ideas of attachment parenting.
When families abide by those methods, some parents are left
wondering how they are going to get their needs met....
Road
Trips of Then and Now
When
I was 23, I drove from Santa Cruz, California to Crested Butte,
Colorado with everything I owned in the back of my pick-up
truck. My only companion was my blue and white parakeet named
Beau. I was moving. I was single. I was childless.
A few days
ago, I drove from Green Mountain, Colorado to Prescott, Arizona.
To fit all we'd need for our five-day vacation, we had to
rent a Suburban. My companions were my husband, my three-year
old son, my ten-month old daughter, my sister-in-law and her
ten-month old son.
The only
similarity between those two trips was…the road....
Smack
Dab in the Middle of a Relationship
For
years, I've watched myself shift from an easy-going woman
to a high-strung, defensive and irritable woman any time my
children, my mother and I were in the same room. This shift
didn't make sense, as my mom and I had reveled in a strong
friendship since I'd become an adult. But it seemed that the
moment she entered my parenting zone, I would stiffen....
Taming
My Volcano
My daughter
Jordan and I have had quite a time lately. This little girl,
who'd been relatively happy for the majority of her 19 months,
had, seemingly overnight, become fiercely angry and frustrated.
She was suddenly spending most of her days screaming, crying,
hitting, throwing her little body around and refusing comfort.
And it was all aimed, it seemed, directly at me....
The
Growing Up Dance
I was at
the hospital the other day visiting the five-hour-old daughter
of some friends of mine. I watched this mom cringe as a nurse
performed a minor procedure to help the baby breathe better.
As soon as the nurse stepped aside, the mom immediately reached
down to pick her baby up. The baby calmed quickly as the brand
new mom instinctively nuzzled her as close as she could.
This new
baby will likely be breastfed, nap in her parents’ arms,
be rocked for hours, ride around in a front pack or sling,
and be massaged. Her whole world will be cradled by human
touch.....
To
Worry or Not To Worry
A very loving and connected mother I know recently
told me she was afraid her one-year-old daughter had a severe
attachment disorder. This mother, I'll call her Sarah, thought
there might be some similarities between some of the new behaviors
of her emerging toddler and the symptoms of Reactive Attachment
Disorder (RAD)--a name used to describe the most disturbing
relationship a child can have with her primary caregiver....
Wise
Babies
A woman
once told me how she learned to live in the moment. Another
woman told me how she learned to become flexible. A third
woman told me how she learned the importance of asking for
help. All three of those women had teachers. And all of their
teachers were under six months old...
